THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!!!

Last night, when I discovered the "Fountain of Youth" attached to our Cafeteria's wall,
I couldn't have been more EXCITED!!

After all, it's not EVERY DAY that you discover the "Fountain of Youth"
right in your very own Mental Institution!!!

I quickly verified it's MAGICAL POWERS by spraying it's contents on
Harold Beamish, a fellow Mental Patient who is VERY VERY OLD!!!

BOY!
DID IT EVER WORK!!!

Within seconds of being covered by it's High Powered "Youth Regeneration Foam",
Harold Beamish was crying like a LITTLE BABY!!!

He actually REVERTED to his INFANCY in the BLINK OF AN EYE!!!

That's how POTENT the "Fountain of Youth" is!!!

You need only squirt it ONCE on the AGED,
and they INSTANTLY become VERY ACTIVE and YOUTHFUL!!!

Thanks to repeated experimentation over the last few hours,
I am THRILLED to report that I've made almost EVERYONE
here at the Mental Institution YOUNG AGAIN!!!

Even Doctor Taylor!!!

The "Fountain of Youth"!!!
Don't wait until your TOO OLD to buy this WONDERFUL product from me!!!

Asking Price:  The Fountain of Invisibility.

Current Bid:   Bucket of youthful chicken.

High Bidder:   Bob Goblin

Date of Bid:   December 5, 2000 at 13:34:41

Make an Offer!

Are you sick and tired of having your GIFT HORSE completely ruined
by people looking at it IN THE MOUTH!?!?

Yes!!!
You are!!!

That's why I've finally developed a Gift Horse with a Removable Mouth!!!

Just think of the possibilities!!

You'll FINALLY be able to take your Gift Horse ANYWHERE you want
without the CONSTANT FEAR that someone will look at it in its Mouth!!!

That is because it's Mouth will be exactly where it belongs!!

Safely tucked away in your POCKET!!!

Don't wait for your Gift Horse to be ruined this Holiday Season by thoughtless
"Mouth Lookers"!!

Buy my Gift Horse with a removable Mouth today, and let the good times roll!!!

Asking Price:  A Gift Window with Removable Bars.

Current Bid:   (New on the Market.)

High Bidder:

Make an Offer!

I am currently selling "The Love That Can Not Speak It's Name"!!!
It is a very Desirable type of Love.

Love Experts have appraised it as being 6 TIMES more valuable than
"The Love that can not STOP saying the word "Hiatus"!!!"

That love can be irritating.
This love is not.

"The Love that can not speak it's name" is ALSO worth 12-15 times as much as
"The Love that can not remember where it parked the car"!!!

Unlike that love, this love knows exactly where the car is parked at all times!

Think about it!!!
It hardly matters if your Love "can" or "can't" speak it's name" when you need to know where your car is parked!!!

Love Experts also say this love is far more valuable then the following types of love:

"The Love that can not bathe itself!!!"
"The Love that walks like a Raccoon"
"The love that can not swallow solid foods!!!"

THOSE Loves fetch VERY HIGH PRICES whenever they come up for auction!!!
THIS LOVE has been appraised as being BETTER then those Loves!!!

Please Keep that in mind as you bid your HEART OUT
on this Wonderful Love that Can do almost everything but Speak it's name!!!!

Asking Price:  The Love that has keys to the Front Door.

Current Bid:  (New on Market)

High Bidder:

Make an Offer!

(Some people doubt that the "Benefit of the Doubt Benefit" even takes place!)

Many People call my "Benefit of the Doubt Benefit" the GREATEST Fundraiser
in the World!!!

Other People are not so sure.

Apparently, they have their DOUBTS!

THESE are PRECISELY the type of People this BENEFIT is meant to BENEFIT!!

Those POOR Undecided People, who DOUBT that my "Benefit of the Doubt Benefit"
is the Greatest Benefit in the World!!!

Will there ever be a cure!?
Some People say it's Doubtful.

But with YOUR help, we can ALL put an END to DOUBT forever!!!

All you have to do is send me a "Scooter that Flies"!!!
Then I will GIVE you the "Benefit of the Doubt Benefit"!!

I'm pretty sure this will end ALL DOUBT as we know it!
 

Yes.

I'm relatively certain of this!!!

Asking Price:  A Scooter that Flies.

Current Bid:   A bike that swims (It has it's 50m badge).

High Bidder:  Matt

Date of Bid:  December 8, 2000 at 11:34:16

Make an Offer!

This HEAD is perfectly good!
It just has NO FACE, and is SHRUNKEN!!!

And it is from a MONSTER.

Other then that, it is 100% OK!!!**

Found on the desk of Dr. Robert Battersby, this "Faceless Monster" offers irrefutable proof that his experimentation's with new Life Forms have gone horribly awry!!!

But don't let THAT stop you from getting a fresh start in life!!!

If you are a SHRUNKEN PERSON looking for a HEAD to fit your tiny little body,
then this could be the "SHRUNKEN FACELESS MONSTER HEAD" for you!!!!

**(Due to "Face Removing Surgery", several small "stitches" may be visible on this head.)

Asking Price:  A Potion capable of Shrinking a Mental Patient.

Current Bid:   MAGIC mushroom!

High Bidder:  Alison Wonderland

Date of Bid:   November 29, 2000 at 08:29:46

Make an Offer!

I recently discovered these disturbing photographs while exploring the room of a fellow mental patient.
I'm sure you'll agree they are the most explicit "boudoir" images of Peanuts ever captured on film!

I myself am appalled by their graphic nature!

That is why I am offering them to you--the perverted Peanut Porn loving public!

(totally unshelled in all their glory--slightly censored)

  (giant orgy)

(upside down and loving it!)
 

Asking Price:  High Quality Photographs of me Escaping.

Current Bid:    3187 insane monkey clones.

High Bidder:   That Saladorian guy again!

Date of Bid:   December 8, 2000 at 14:49:31

Make an Offer!

They don't call this a GRAND Piano for nothing!!!

This instrument is SO BIG you could fit an entire Mental Patient inside it!!!

Believe me!
I've already taken the measurements!!!

Currently located in the Rec Room of our Mental Institution,
this Grand Piano plays absolutely divine music!!!

It is also large enough to allow a well hidden Mental Patient to stay alive,
COMPLETELY UNDETECTED, for up to 5 hours!!!

That should give you PLENTY of time to come to the Institution to pick me it up!!!

Warning:

Before playing this instrument at home, ALWAYS make sure there are
NO Mental Patients left inside it!!!

If there IS a Mental Patient still inside it, it is VERY IMPORTANT to let him out.

It is also important to feed him Lobster!

Asking Price:  An Oxygen tank that would allow a Mental Patient to last 5 more hours in the Grand Piano.

Current Bid:   A tank of nitrous oxide so the mental patient inside the GRAND PIANO can have a good time while inside.

High Bidder:  elvoo

Date of Bid:  December 8, 2000 at 13:15:02

Make an Offer!

(The Hound of The Baskervilles in his "Den")

I recently discovered the HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES
in an Exotic Dog Kennel on the 3rd floor of our Mental Institution!!

I heard its Distinctive HOWL all the way from the Cafeteria,
and FOLLOWED it to his Secret Hidden DEN!!

I had to crawl on my belly like a reptile in order to determine his exact location!!!

From the sounds of it, The Hound of the Baskervilles was in the process
of giving birth to a whole litter of Hounds!!!!

You can imagine my EXCITEMENT!!!
I couldn't stop myself from supportively Cheering the Pregnant Hound onwards!!!

If you buy the HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES from me,
I will add this NEW LITTER of Hounds absolutely Free!!!

Warning:

"The Hound of the Baskervilles" DOES NOT like to be touched!!
Believe me!!
Every time I tried to "pet" him, he "pounced" upon my fingers quite vigorously!!

This is because he is pregnant. He is merely being "protective" of his young!!!
Once he "delivers" I am sure he will be much tamer!!!

Asking Price:  The Kangaroos of Escapeville.

Current Bid:   Thomas Hardy's "Tess of the D'Urbervilles" with easily removable pages for "grooming" purposes while in one's den.

High Bidder:   Snotty Literary Type

Date of Bid:   November 16, 2000 at 23:41:37

Make an Offer!
 

(Mr. Funny Man's Hair can be yours!!!).

Mr. Funny Man has one incredible head of hair!!!
He is also very funny!
He says things like: "Nice Suit Matlock!"

Doesn't that make you want to laugh!?

Mr. Funny Man has LOT'S more jokes where that came from!!
Believe me!!!
This man is SO FUNNY he can make you CRY!!!

Mr. Funny Man operates his own "humor" website.

If I'm not mistaken, he also played in a band called the Monkees!

He certainly is a very talented man!!!
He also has AMAZING HAIR!!!

This is NOT the type of hair that grows on TREES!!!!
This is REAL HUMAN HAIR grown from a SCALP!!!

It is Luxurious and Elegantly Styled!!!

I have written to Mr. Funny Man several times asking him if he would like
to SELL HIS HAIR on my website!!!

So far, I have not received a response from him.

I believe this is Mr. Funny Man's way of telling me to go ahead and SELL HIS HAIR!!!

Who am I to argue!?!?

Asking Price:  A defense attorney to protect me from Mr. Funny Man.

Current Bid:   An Attorney to protect you from mister funny man and to counter sue!

High Bidder:  Layna

Date of Bid:   November 7, 2000 at 17:55:47

Make an Offer!

When I first started building this "Great Wall", I didn't expect to stop in China!!!
I wanted it to Completely Circled the Earth!!!

That's how GREAT my "Great Wall" was going to be!

It was all part of my master plan to build a "Great Global Rec Room"!

I was going to build 3 OTHER Great Walls that surrounded the Planet!!
Then I was going to construct a "Great Roof" to cover my 4 "Great Walls"!
I also planned to weave a "Great Carpeted Floor" as well!

Thus, my "GREAT REC ROOM"  that circumnavigated Planet Earth
would have finally been complete!!

Alas, I ran out of bricks.

If you buy this Great Wall from me, please feel free to continue with my plans!
When you're finished, don't forget to invite me to the opening
of your "Great Global Rec Room"!!

Also, don't forget to break me out of the Mental Institution so that I may attend your opening events!

Asking Price:  An Invitation to the opening party of the "Great Rec Room". (complete with break out).

Current Bid:   my great wall of mashed potatoes

High Bidder:   kristina

Date of Bid:   November 23, 2000 at 20:18:23

Make an Offer!

This Thought may not be the BEST Thought on the market,
but it's "The Thought That Counts"!!!

Though "The Thought That Counts" may not know how to READ or WRITE,
it sure knows how to COUNT!!!

Especially ALL the numbers between 0 and 7!!!!!!!

Sadly, the "Thought That Counts" can NOT count past the number 7.

But Hey!
It's The Thought That Counts!!!

Asking Price:  The Thought that Escapes me!

Current Bid:   a penny for your thoughts. (it may help you buy back the one that escapes you!)

High Bidder:   treble

Date of Bid:    November 7, 2000 at 14:16:16

Make an Offer!

"How may I help You!?"
Well you can begin by helping yourself!!

Helping Yourself to one of the most cheerful questions in the world that is!!!

I recently acquired the phrase "How May I Help You?" in a Mega deal with American Express!!
I wish to sell this valuable question immediately!

It comes complete with the "How May I Help You?" Lady (pictured above).
She happily repeats the question "How May I Help You?" all day long!!!

Important Note:

The "How May I Help You" Lady offers no actual help!

Her knowledge is limited to asking the cheerful question "How May I Help You?".
That is where it ends!

Asking Price:  Exclusive Rights to the Question "How do I get out of here"?

Current Bid:  The question "Excuse me, do you know the way to the Soviet Embassy?"

High Bidder:  Beck

Date of Bid:  November 23, 2000 at 14:57:46

Make an Offer!

Why just marvel at the Season of Autumn when you can actually OWN IT!?

Currently there are only 4 seasons on planet Earth and Autumn is one of them!!!
Just imagine the potential!
Plus, if you call it "FALL", which is it's other name, you practically have 2 whole seasons for the price of one!!!

The word "FALL" is also short, and easy to remember!!

(This season could be yours!)

Asking Price:  A nice comfortable pair of Trousers (Nothing issued by an Institution please!)

Current Bid:   That thing doctors use to whack your knee and a really artsy, half-burnt three-color candle.

High Bidder:  Scott

Date of Bid:  October 18,  2000  23:55:54

Make an Offer!

This Big Valuable Coin Commemorates  "Man's First Set of Parallel lines"!!

It is in Mint Condition, Extremely Valuable, and of Museum Quality!!!

It weighs approximately 500 pounds and comes complete with it's own Boulevard!!

Most Coin Collector's would give their right arm for this magnificent piece of "loose change"!

All I'm asking for is a cape that will allow me to fly!!!

Asking Price:  A Cape that will allow me to fly.

Current Bid:   Cape Canaveral.

High Bidder:  Tony

Date of Bid:   November 16, 2000  19:06:30

Make an Offer!

This 2-way Radio is SO powerful, it picks up signals all the way from the "Mysterious Orient"!!!

Found recently in a potted plant, this "Wonder Radio" brings the beautiful music of foreign lands
right into your VERY OWN LIVING ROOM!!

You'll be able to hear Exotic Opera Music SO CLEARLY, you'll swear you were on stage with the performers!!

But that's not all!!!!

Because this radio has 4 antennas  instead of  2, you can also TALK INTO IT!

Don't let it's small size fool you!  A more powerful radio cannot be found!!

Asking Price: A 2-way street suitable for high speed escapes

Current Bid:  The song that's stuck in my head.

High Bidder:  Melissa Newell

Date of Bid:   July 29, 2000 at 15:22:19

Make an Offer!

I recently purchased "The Wild West" from an old friend of mine.
I am looking to get rid of some excess Cowboys!
These Cowboys come complete with their horses, and are well versed in ALL aspects of Cowboy life!
They rope! They ride! They make fine dinner companions!
PLEASE NOTE: Originally offered as a group of 16, there are now ONLY 15 Cowboys remaining!!
1 cowboy escaped into the sunset, and is no longer available for sale!!

(NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE!!)

Asking Price:  A Potion that will turn me Invisible!

Current Bid:   A space cowboy on top of a missile.

High Bidder:  Marlena

Date of Bid:  October 11, 2000 12:00:00 (high noon)

Make an Offer!

As you all know, Former U.S. President George Bush and his wife Barbara had 26 identical sons.

Each one of them was given the first name "George" and a small country to run.

What many people don't know is that George and Barbara Bush ranked their sons according to quality!

They did this by using alaphabetical order in their middle initials!

For example, George A. Bush was the Highest Quality George Bush,
and George. Z. Bush was the Lowest Quality George Bush.

Everyone knows that all George Bush's are lovely lovely George Bush's!
It's just that some George Bush's are slightly lovelier than other George Bush's!
With this in mind, I am pleased to announce my recent acquisition of George C. Bush!!

He is the Third Highest Quality George Bush available!

Capable of running a country the size of Grenada or Fiji,
George C. Bush will make a welcome addition to any household!!

Asking Price:  Chuck B. Cheese

Current Bid:   Jesus V. Christ.

High Bidder:  Aaron

Date of Bid:  November 7, 2000 at 12:18:32

Make an Offer!

PERFECTLY GOOD TREE!
 

This tree is Perfectly Good!

Though it  suffers from an Extreme Fear of crowds,
and must be left alone in its pasture,
and can never be approached or it will die,
this tree is STILL Perfectly Good!!

After all! It has 3 leaves doesn't it!?!?

There are MANY trees out there ALOT worse off than this one!
Believe me! I've seen them!

So regardless of it's contagious bark disease,
extremely brittle limbs,
or poisonous sap that burns like fire,
this tree is one PERFECTLY GOOD tree!

And it's also a perfectly good time to sell it!  buy it!

Asking Price:  A perfectly good escape plan.

Current Bid:   A perfectly good new health system (for which I will be in charge and will release you.)

High Bidder:  Patrick Copper

Date of Bid:  July 25, 2000 at 21:37:06

Make an Offer!

I created this Gaseous Planet shortly after being introduced to my first Burrito back in 1957!

I have yet to experience the pleasure of eating a second Burrito.

Though I'm very proud of Jupiter,
I've been informed that our cafeteria will be serving Burrito's as a "special treat" next week!!!

With that in mind,
I expect to be adding to the solar system next weekend,
and would like to "make room" for what I expect to be an even larger planet!

"Jumping Jupiter! It's the only Planet made by Burrito's!" (until next weekend) .

Asking Price:  A cafeteria that serves "escape hatches" as a special treat.

Current Bid:   One Constellation: The Big Diaper!

High Bidder:  Blues Bob

Date of Bid:  November 16, 2000 13:45:02

Make an Offer!

There are MANY Thin Lines which separate one thing from another!

For Example:

Thin Line #4 which separates Love from Hate;
Thin Line #12 which separates Madness from Brilliance;
and Thin Line #56 which separates Circus Clowns from everyone else!

Thanks to a recent discovery in our Mental Institution's Cafeteria,
I have come into possession of Thin Line #37!

This is the Thin Line which separates
the smell of Vomit from that of Macaroni and Cheese!!

It may not be the most important Thin Line on the market,
but it sure makes a difference when you're eating Macaroni!!!

Asking Price:  Thin line #22. (The Thin Line that separates Me from the Outside World).

Current Bid:   The Fine line between pleasure and pain.

High Bidder:  Bootle

Date of Bid:   November 23, 2000 at 20:30:58

Make an Offer!

This man has Binoculars and he's not afraid to use them!!!

He sees things from VERY FAR AWAY and let's you know EXACTLY what they are!

If, for instance, he saw something in the distance that was heading towards you, he'd tell you!!
Unlike most other "Men with Binoculars", this one enjoys sharing information!

The "Man with Binoculars" sometimes provides written reports of what he sees!
Overall, his handwriting is VERY GOOD!

Asking Price:  A Man with Satellite.

Current Bid:   The watchman from the Titanic (who should have had binoculars).

High Bidder:   Cassandra

Date of Bid:   November 23, 2000 at 12:23:54

Make an Offer!

I originally dug this great hole in 1711 thinking it would be a great place to store my stuff.
Boy was it ever!
But my business has expanded alot, and I'm moving my storage facility to Mars!

That leaves ME with a giant hole in the ground,
and YOU with the potential closet of a lifetime!

Asking Price:  Transportation to Mars.

Current Bid:    400,000 little ketchup packets (and one packet of relish for texture).

High Bidder:  Willy Wonka's Secret "Woman Friend"

Date of Bid:  July 25, 2000 at 12:44:42

Make an Offer!

Let's face it, everyone needs a bridge!  It's just a fact of life!

Are you unsatisfied with your current bridge? Are you looking for something a bit more sturdy!?
Then this is the bridge for you!
Perfect for traveling to Brooklyn without getting wet, The Brooklyn Bridge is a classic all the way!
As magnificent as the day I finished "her" in 1873!

Asking Price:  Set of keys that will unlock my room.

Current Bid:   Set of keys to the Starship Enterprise (the Next Generation version.)

High Bidder:  Mathildus

Date of Bid:  September 6, 2000 at 22:44:04

Make an Offer!

Rome took me 3 weeks to build, so it's with much regret that I now place it up for sale.
Unfortunately, due to my busy schedule as a Mental Patient, I am  no longer able to give this beautiful city the attention it deserves.
(Please Note: The Pope is not included in this sale. He was sold separately last week to Tim B. in room #612)

Asking Price:  a City of equal or greater value (must have plenty of hiding places).

Current Bid:    The State of Depression. (you can be lost there for a long time if you know what you are doing).

High Bidder: Dave

Date of Bid:   October 4, 2000 at 12:32:27

Make an Offer!

I recently acquired a small lake in northern Alberta. It came with a "Guy in a Canoe".

I'd like to keep the lake, but am willing to part with the "Guy in a Canoe".
The "Guy in a Canoe" seems very pleasant.

Why am I selling him?  Why don't you buy him and find out!?!?!

Please note:  Buyer must provide their own body of water!!

Asking Price:  A Guy in a Truck (16 wheels and plenty of fuel preferred)

Current Bid:  The Fattest Twins in the World  PLUS their Mopeds! (as seen in The Guiness Book of World Records)

High Bidder:  D-Man

Date of Bid:  November 6, 2000 at 09:32:25

Make an Offer!