A good-will divorce is like having all your teeth extracted and having to smile.
No balding man finds comfort in not being married to Delilah.
The really amazing thing about history is not that it so often repeats itself, but that it fails to bore us.
Only a pessimist would take a cell phone on his honeymoon.
A cockroach would surely disagree about the sanctity of human life.
Wisdom is a consolation prize one receives with a toothless smile.
Zen is something no one understands but all applaud with at least one hand.
Falling in love is like falling anywhere. You pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on walking, hoping no one saw you.
Men love you when you forgive them more than their mother ever could.
Casual sex may have always been an oxymoron, but now it is an anachronism.
Early recognition spoils some writers but posthumous recognition saves none.
You can't explain the pleasures of haute cuisine to a starving man.
Hypochondriacs are people who used to get more candy when they had the measles than they did on Halloween.
Psychiatry enables a person to sleep on the job and wake up to talk about others' dreams.
If fighting did not come to men so naturally, they would have invented war just to get away from their wives.
If human beings were born with a conscience, God would be out of a job.
Sex is possibly the only activity one performs best with a minimum of thought.
People are at their most brilliant while defending themselves against their own conscience.
Youth may be wasted on the young, but it would only give a coronary to the elderly.
The only power you have over people is the ability to do without them.
People long for fame so they can thumb their nose at a kindergarten friend who failed to invite them to a birthday party.
Abstaining from sex because of AIDS is like keeping your car in the garage because of road accidents.
There are people who would give up custody of their children but fight over a first edition.
Being alone in nature is immensely satisfying, provided you are nowhere near a river or a lake.
You don't have to be a writer to wish that life were just a rough draft.
Perfect love is born when body and mind agree to admire.
When you really want to get someplace, even a hay cart will eventually get you there.
Nothing will get you into trouble faster than speaking the truth.
Astrology is the one religion with practically no believers and countless followers.
The end may justify the means but ends up having to justify itself.
Kindergarden used to be a place where kids climbed nothing but monkey bars.
Birth control, like many excellent ideas, often suffers from poor timing.
A critic may have to praise a friend's book, but he shouldn't be expected to read it too.
As an investment in the future, there is nothing more risky than parenthood.
Politicians are people who raised a hand at school but then forgot what they had meant to say.
When two men meet for the first time, they don't say, "My daddy's stronger than yours." They shake hands instead and thank their stars no one can read their thoughts."